Simple Simon


Fandom: X-Files
Pairing: Sk/K


Alex gave his target a dubious prod with his spork.

It bobbed a moment, dipping below the green murky scum, before surfacing like a tan whale, spreading thick waves to the edges.

"Ahar, thar she blows…"

He exchanged glances with Walter, before they returned their gaze to the bowl before them.

He gave it another Ahabesque poke with his spork harpoon, stirring the blood red concoction that mixed somewhat oddly with the green surface, almost as if he'd struck an artery in the whale. Feeling less and less sure of himself, he glanced up, eyebrow cocked; to run full force into the blinding grin he was being served.

"Ahh, give it a go mate. It's not as bad as it looks, really! If ya wanna be an honorary citizen here, you gotta eat it."

Not sure if the smile was genuine, or simply laughing at him, he ventured another nudge with his fork, sending his mark spinning until the sheer viscosity of the emerald slop surrounding it dragged it to a grinding halt.

Throwing another look at his partner he blinked. Walter was currently attempting to consume a large block of what appeared to be a brick covered in chocolate and coconut, but whether he was succeeding, or if the lamington was attacking him in some bizarre X-filean twist, was yet to be seen. Turning back to his meal, he took a deep breath.

He could do this. He'd eaten in Hong Kong; at least the meat here was identifiable. It wasn't anything he hadn't had before, albeit not necessarily in this combination. Steeling himself, he grasped his plastic spork firmly in his hand and stabbed down viciously.

Dark brown and lumpy, the gaping wound spread to the green surroundings, scooping up the colourful conglomeration; he raised it to his lips and tasted.

Not bad.

Not bad at all.

Interesting how a meat pie dropped in pea soup and smothered in tomato sauce actually worked in a culinary sense.

Looking up, he saw that Brave Sir Walter had vanquished the evil lamington, the ring of white flecked chocolate surrounding his mouth, like a demented 'Got Milk' advertisement, his badge of victory. Handing over a napkin with a chuckle he offered the valiant knight his spork, projecting as much false confidence as he could, without making it look too realistic.

"Give it a go, Walt. You'll love it!"

Grinning widely at the eyes narrowed suspiciously his way, he blinked his eyes innocently, in a half anime, half near southern belle flutter, looking about as trustworthy as a self proclaimed lactose intolerant rat in a cheese factory. The proprietor of the pie cart looking on, grinned wider at the byplay.

"Take his word for it.", the pieman said, "How could you not trust a face like that?"

Alex turned up the flutter, grinning wider as Walter growled and grabbed the eating utensil out of his hand.

Approaching the bowl with the air of one who wished the fork he held was actually a ten foot pole, Walter scooped up a small amount of the mash and placed it in his mouth. Chewing slowly, he thoughtfully tasted the mix.

Maintaining eye contact with Alex, he made a sudden lightning move, yanking the bowl away from his lover and closer to him. Alex's jaw dropped in outrage.

"Hey! That was mine!" he laughed.

Walter wrapped his other arm around the bowl in a burst of possessiveness that would have impressed a lifer and grinned back at Alex.

"Mine now."

Edging closer to the larger man, Alex grinned softly.

"Oh yes, definitely yours."

Ingredients :


6 eggs
3/4 cup castor sugar
1 cup self raising flour
1/3 cup cornflour
1/3 cup hot water
3 tsp butter, melted
3 cup desiccated coconut


4 cup icing sugar
1/3 cup cocoa
3 tsp butter
1/2 cup milk

Method :

1. Crack the eggs into a mixing bowl then beat the eggs until thick and creamy.
2. Gradually add the sugar and beat well until the sugar has dissolved.
3. In a large bowl, mix the self raising flour with the cornflour.
4. Add the butter to the hot water.
5. Add the flour mix to the beaten eggs and stir well then add the hot water mixture. Combine very well.
6. Pour the batter into a 23cm. square cake tin that has been well greased.
7. Bake the cake at 180°C (About 355°F). for 35 minutes then turn out and cool on a wire rack.
8. To make the icing, mix the icing sugar and cocoa together then add the melted butter and hot milk. Stir well until the mixture is smooth.
9. Cut the cake into squares then dip each square into the chocolate icing then roll the cake in the coconut. Drain on a wire cake rack.
* If you wish, cut the squares in half and spread with jam before dipping.

Note, there aren't any actual recipes for the meat pie floater around, but the premise is simple.

1 x Meat Pie (Preferably round, preferably Australian, one such recipe provided below)
1 x bowl of mushy green pea soup
1 x amount of tomato sauce to taste
1 x spork, the inimical spoony-forky combination, as you need to both prod and scoop this meal

1. Heat the pie up in the oven (if you bought it) as you want the pastry crispy, and the soup in the microwave/on the stove.
2. Place the heated pie, top down in the middle of your bowl of soup.
3. Add sauce.
4. Admire artistic appeal
5. Eat with gusto

Australian Meat Pie

Serves 4

2 teaspoons vegetable oil
1 pound ground beef (ground round preferred)
1/2 onion, finely chopped
2 cups beef broth
2 tablespoons ketchup
2 teaspoons Worcestershire sauce
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon black pepper
3 tablespoons all-purpose flour
1 unbaked pie crust
1 sheet puff pastry, 1/8" thick
1 egg, beaten

Heat a medium skillet on medium-high heat.

Add oil and swirl to coat the bottom of pan.

Add ground beef and cook, stirring occasionally, until meat is browned, about 6-8 minutes.

Add onion and cook for 2-3 minutes, stirring occasionally.

Add beef broth, ketchup, Worcestershire sauce, salt, and black pepper.

Cover and cook on medium-low for 15-20 minutes, until meat is tender.

Mix flour with 1/4 cup cold water.

Add flour mixture to meat mixture and cook on medium-high for 3-5 minutes, until mixture is thick and bubbly; reserve.

Preheat oven to 425° F. Using a rolling pin, roll out and divide pie crust pastry to fit four 5-inch pie tins.

Place pastry crusts into pie tins.

Spoon meat mixture evenly into pie crusts.

Divide and cut puff pastry to fit the top of the pies.

Brush the edges of the pie crusts with water and place the puff pastries on top.

Cut a few slits into the top of each pie to let steam escape.

Brush the tops of the pies with beaten egg.

Place pies on a baking sheet and bake for 10 minutes.

Reduce oven temperature to 350° F and bake for an additional 30 minutes, or until pie tops are golden brown.

Cool slightly before eating and use caution while eating, filling can be hot!

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